No Minister

How to write like a Snowflake

Since joining NoMinister early this year I’ve observed that several of our commentators have a very basic style of writing. Normally I would add “thought”, but that’s nowhere in sight with these comments.

So I decided to look back through many of them, including deleted ones that I copied before they vanished, to see what the common elements were. Obviously with our new high and strict standards in place we may see some of the following go away, but I reckon there will be a few that reappear sooner or later as their ids break free of self constraint.

Meantime, you can have some fun using this deconstructive analysis to look at future comments, and perhaps even put your own comment together (it’s very easy). A chocolate fish to the first commentator who can prove that they’ve turned these rules into AIML algorithms.

Step 1, an expression of surprise:

  • Jesus Christ
  • My god
  • Goodness gracious
  • Fuck me.
  • Jesus
  • Christ

Step 2, abusive, childish name change of the blogger:

  • Gravetodger
  • Adolt
  • Chunter / Bunter 
  • Tom Tom / Tommy

Step 2a, add an adjective to imply the lowly state of the blogger:

  • poor
  • wee
  • little
  • old
  • aged
  • sad
  • lil’

Step 3: provide a straw man of what the blogger said, basically variations on the now famous, “So What Your Saying Is…..” :

  • you love racists / xenophobes / white supremacists / misogynists / sexists / bigots / Far-Right / Alt-Right
  • X was a commie
  • Y is a liar
  • you defend racists / xenophobes / white supremacists / misogynists / sexists / bigots / Far-Right / Alt-Right
  • you miss / wish for / desire / want / hope for:

– the Southern Confederacy
– slavery
– Apartheid
– Fascism
– the past
– death squads

  • totalitarianism is on the rise.
  • the Commies are taking over
  • Coloured folk are taking over
  • Woman are taking over

Step 3a,  combine these with sophisticated sounding terms…

  • crypto
  • neo
  • pseudo
  • hyper
  • arch
  • faux
  • tautological

Step 3b, mix in some adverbs for excessive and unnecessary use:

  • strange /ly
  • utter /ly
  • total /ly
  • monstrous /ly
  • complete /ly
  • definite /ly
  • undoubted /ly
  • obvious /ly
  • clear /ly
  • definitive /ly
  • interesting /ly
  • facile /ly

Step 4, move to abuse of the intelligence of the blogger:

  • no / lacking / bereft of / without / missing ….
  • … evidence / logic / sense / facts
  • just lumps in
  • facts dressed up as… 
  • cognitive decline
  • senile
  • conspiracy / conspiratorial
  • clueless
  • simple minded
  • flailing
  • impotent
  • clowns
  • witless
  • trite
  • facile

Step 5, mix in some talk about the emotional state of the blogger:

  • confused
  • hysterical
  • shrieking
  • mad
  • rage
  • angry
  • hate-filled
  • gutless
  • feeble
  • desperate
  • raving
  • bad-hair day
  • aggressive
  • lathered up
  • victim
  • lies / liar / lying
  • incandescent with rage
  • verbosity and bombast

Step 6, throw in a conclusion about the blogger, based on the sophisticated analysis already provided:

  • moron / cretin / idiot / imbecile / tool / fascist / numbskull

.. and spice it up a bit  by adding the following…

  • fucking / utter / total / complete

Step 7, make sure you come across as relaxed and unconcerned in order to avoid revealing how angry and unhinged you really are (combine with step3b):

  • amusing
  • amused
  • bemused
  • funny
  • laugh / laughing / laughter
  • sad / sadly
  • disappointing / disappointed
  • regretfully
  • hilarious

Step 8, wrap the whole thing up with a little fake concern as to why this was written and express hope for future improvements:

  • If you had…
  • you would be on to something if…
  • if only…
  • so that’s something
  • keep trying
  • Give it time…
  • Better luck…
  • My work here is done
  • Back to studying…
  • Come on, let’s go
  • Back to the asylum / pensioners home / street / gutter
  • Here’s your chance…
  • Come on. 
  • Teachable moment.

Written by Tom Hunter

July 11, 2019 at 11:10 pm

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