This has been coming for a while, as “Bomber” Bradbury has pointed out:

Knowing Trump he will want some over the top symbolic response, Gunboat Diplomacy Plus and the millisecond he’s told NZ doesn’t allow nuclear ships here, he will immediately want to because the idea of forcing us to take his Nuclear Carrier while he is staring Xi in the eyes is the exact Alpha Male pissing contest he desperately seeks. Hands up who thinks Luxon will stand his ground or fold when Trump calls?

No Minister takes you live to the ad hoc presser at the steps of Air Force One.

Andrew Jackson, Red State:
Mr President, Andrew Jackson, Red State. We’ve just heard from Marco Rubio that the State Department briefing you received yesterday about Australia’s shock over your cutting US funding of their universities, also revealed information about their neighbour, New Zealand, that you found highly disturbing?

President Trump:
True. True. I couldn’t believe it. As if we don’t have enough on our hands with China and the Euro-weenies now we’ve got this dump in the South Pacific? It looks like a really nice place. Lord Of The Rings, ya know. The Mist. The Mountains. Beautiful. Magical. Great people I’m told.

Andrew Jackson, Red State:
Yes Sir. Apparently they’ve managed to survive economically by having a free trade agreement with China and they believe strongly in free trade.

President Trump:
Well that’s just one of their problems. Why didn’t they use tariffs and other protections to build up their industries like we did in the 19th century, and as we’re doing now? They coulda been producing their own super computers by now, or maybe beaten Elon to Electric Cars.

Instead they got some finance guy called Roger Douglas who tore it all apart – and apparently the cover for that was all this anti-American, anti-nuclear stuff from some guy called Lang or Long? I dunno, sounds Chinese to me.

So what do they do now? Cows? Milk?

And then they told Ronald Reagan to stick it back in the 80’s – on the nuclear ships thing? When all they have is milk? They have no cards. No cards to play. And they could have cost us the Cold War. Why didn’t Reagan do something then?. Squishy Republicans. Even the Gipper.

And so now they’re whores for the Chinese. A base from which to blockade our Australian allies and launch attacks on penguins in the Antarctic? Penguins for Christ sake. There’s no bottom to the evil. And we’re not allowed to stop this by sending the Nimitz into Auckland harbor? Are you kidding me?

And I gotta tell ya that Marco is also really concerned about this Five Eyes thing that we’re tied into New Zealand for. Spies and all that? Who wants to be a co-spy with people in bed with the Chinese? They’re the Fang Fang Bang Bang Swalwell of the South Pacific.

AOC, Fox News:
Alexandria Occasional Cortex, Fox News. Mr President. I’m told that your member is soft and velvety to the touch even when aroused and hard? Would you mind if I touc……
(Sounds of scuffling as Secret Service Agents wrestle AOC to the ground).

President Trump:
Woah! Hey. There’s TDS and then there’s touching.
You have another question, Mr Jackson?

Andrew Jackson, Red State:
So what is America going to do about New Zealand, Mr President?

President Trump:
I guess we’re just going to have to take over the whole country. Should be easy enough. Twenty million sheep and five million people who act like sheep. Not a problem.

Andrew Jackson, Red State:
But sir, won’t that result in a massive guerrilla war with the inhabitants? Like Black Hawk Down but with war dances? They’ve got the Haka?

President Trump:
Hey, I know the Haka. Seen it. Awesome. The All Blacks, right? Before every game. Look, we convert them into an American football team, put those boys on NFL salaries and they’ll be golden. The locals will love it. The rest of the NFL will love it. Black uniforms right? It’ll be cool like ISIS but without all the Islamic shit. Maybe our Special Forces can learn it. Xi will fold like a Guangzhou suit.

Andrew Jackson, Red State:
And the politics? How will you handle that?

President Trump:
Hey, 51st state, you know what I’m saying? Especially now that we’re destroying all the government departments. Freedom you know. I’m told the Kiwis hate government! Sure they’re small – 5 million people – so maybe seven or eight House seats, but two Senators to protect them. Plus the US Navy. They’ll love it. Greenland and Canada will see what they’re missing. And if they don’t want to join the NFL we’ll have the best rugby team in the world. The Stars and Stripes flying in Sydney in 2027. Has to send a message, right?

Will all on board this Yankee station prepare themselves for battle stations?

Jesus wept, Jesus Christ
I can’t see through the tear gas and the dollar signs in my eyes
Well, what’s a man got left to fight for when he’s bought his freedom?
By the look of this human jungle
It ain’t just the poor who’ll be bleeding